


Regret (Sanders Sides AU)

by Onyxrayn



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, Angst and Tragedy, Anxiety | Virgil Sanders Angst, Anxiety | Virgil Sanders Has Panic Attacks, Anxiety | Virgil Sanders Needs a Hug, Anxiety | Virgil Sanders is a Dark Side, Dark Sides As Family (Sanders Sides), Deceit | Janus Sanders is Bad at Feelings, Drinking, Flashbacks, Former Dark Side Anxiety | Virgil Sanders, Heavy Angst, Hurt Anxiety | Virgil Sanders, Nightmares, No Romance, One Shot, Parent Deceit | Janus Sanders, Protective Deceit | Janus Sanders, Short, Short One Shot, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, Sympathetic Dark Sides (Sanders Sides), Sympathetic Deceit | Janus Sanders
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-10
Updated: 2020-06-10
Packaged: 2021-03-04 03:34:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,482
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24647269
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Onyxrayn/pseuds/Onyxrayn
Summary: After Virgil leaves the dark sides, Janus tries to bring him home. Despite his best attempts, Virgil continues to shut him out. Janus spirals into a deep depression at his failed attempts to get Virgil back. With nothing else to do, he writes his final words to the other sides.Based off of an animatic series by Kena pieceShort Story (Drabble)(It switches POV's)“View Entire Work” is a good formatWarnings at the beginning of the work.
Comments: 2
Kudos: 71





	1. Loss

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger Warnings:
> 
> -Alcoholism  
> -Family Rift  
> -Flashbacks  
> -Nightmares  
> -Panic Attacks  
> -Suicide  
> -(Verbal) Fighting

Loss (Chapter 1)

A deep hatred for me ran through them all, but Virgil… Virgil would kill me if he could. As I stared emotionless into his darkened eyes, livid at the sight of me, I realized there was no hope of him returning home. He scowled, saying nothing, he didn’t need to. I fucked up, and nothing could change that.

\---

Tears leaked down my face as I lay in my bed, hidden far away from the others in the corner of the mind palace. _Why don’t you go back home?_ “I can’t…” I sobbed. _Why not?_ “They all hate me-” _They do._ Overwhelming thoughts began to blur my vision as I cried harder, soaking my pillow with salty tears. My body began to shake and my breathing became rapid. _No no, please! You don’t understand-_ Some of the words spilled silently off my lips as my brain became polluted, my head began to throb, and the walls started to close in around me. _Trapped, scared, lost_ … My existence could be summed up pretty quickly: unwanted. _No one wants anxiety…_

_\---_

_“Stay!” I shouted to him as he walked away, hands jammed into the pockets of his dark hoodie. He jolted at the sound of a stern voice, one that correlated to harm in his mind. He turned back to me, panic setting in. He looked at me for a moment, an animalistic fear in his darting eyes. Before I could get a word out, he turned and ran. He didn’t want to be one of us, no one did. “VIRGIL!” I shouted. I went to go after him but was stopped by a rough hand on my shoulder. “Let him go.” Remus sighed._

I wiped the tears off of my face as I came back to my senses. Something felt _off_ … The thought of visiting Virgil crossed my mind, but I quickly dismissed it, he _never_ wanted to see me. _Do it,_ I told myself, _you’ll feel better._ “Will I?” I wondered aloud as I snapped my fingers, creating a portal to the light side. 

As my footsteps echoed through the silent hall, I gazed upon the pictures that hung along it. Virgil looked so… _happy._ His smirk was frozen in time as he showed off his new jacket… Laughing silently in the background as Patton and Roman had a pretend sword fight… I looked into his eyes through the glass, _I never saw him smile-_

I was shocked out of my nosing by a small noise coming from the corner of the hallway. _Virgil-_ He was having an anxiety attack, alone. _Patton must not know._ I removed my hat as I slowly crept up to his door, slowly turning the black, twisted handle as not to startle him. 

“Virgil-” I said softly. He quickly looked up from his arms at the sound of my voice, tears and dark makeup streaming down his face. “NO!” He shouted. I flinched at the sound of hurt in his voice. Tears secretly pooled in my eyes, blurring my vision. “GO AWAY!” I backed up out of the doorway, “LEAVE ME ALONE!” He turned away from me, my presence clearly aggravating the situation, “GO!” As I turned and closed the door, an “I’m sorry.” escaped from my lips. 


	2. The Past (Chapter 2)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Super short chapter, sort of a glimpse into the past before moving forward.

There is no forgetting the past. The memories that hang heaviest are the easiest to recall. The argument we had before he left still crosses my mind frequently. _What could I have said differently? Why didn’t I say this? Why, why, WHY?_ The conversation plays out in my head like a movie, and no matter what I change, he still leaves.

 _"I NEVER ASKED FOR THIS!” he screamed, “I NEVER WANTED ANY OF THIS!” He hadn't snapped like this for a long time. I can't no harm to him, but he didn't understand that. I reached my gloved hand to his face to wipe the tears rolling down his face,_ _he looked up at me, distraught_ _. “Just… just get away from me…” he muttered. I fixed his hair with my thumb gently, not removing my hand. With Virgil, he is unpredictable. Sadness can turn to anger in seconds. As my hand rested on his cheek, rage suddenly flooded his eyes quickly, “STOP TOUCHING ME!” He wrenched my hand away from his face. “_

_“Hey, Virge-” I tried, “Don’t cry. There’s nothing to worry about.”_

_“Stop saying that! You just want me to be under your control again Janus!" I flinched at the sound of my name, he never used it-_

_"You were always scared of me…” He scowled._

_"Th-that's not true Virge!" I stuttered._

_"Then WHY were you always so careful around me? You treated me like a bomb that was about to explode!"_

_"Virge-" I tried._

_“You never listen!” Virgil shrieked, “leave me alone!”_

_He headed for the door, and I watched,_ _frozen_ _for a moment._


	3. Regret (Chapter 3)

As I walked to the mirror, my reflection turned to something darker. A beaten and bloody Virgil looking at me with empty eyes. He was like this because of _me. I did this…_ The reflection turned and paced away. As I reached out to stop him, the scenery faded away.

As I tore away from the dreamscape, I inhaled sharply. _Virgil-_ Tears snuck down my face. I steadied my breathing, swallowing my sorrow as I peeled the sheets away from me, I sat up and wiped my face, _drinking last night was a bad idea-_ I reached for my hat, which hung loosely on the wooden bedpost, and sat it gently on my head. I swiped my gloves off of the nightstand and headed for the dresser. 

A nearly empty wine bottle sat beside a drained glass of merlot from last night. The lamp was still shining on an open book, _I don’t remember reading that…_ As I put on my cloak and gloves, I passed the mirror that hung on the far wall. _I don’t even recognize myself…_

“Keep quiet,” I whispered to my reflection. Those words had become my motto. 

I stared down at my gloved hands, _What have I become-_

In a moment's realization, I ripped the fabric away from my hands and reached for the bookshelf. _At least write letters to them._ And so I did. 

With a map of the Unknown strewn across my desk, and a book describing it, I began to write.

I looked down at the paper with hesitant eyes. The fountain pen leaked some ink onto the empty note. I shivered a bit before continuing my thoughts. 

_Dear Logan,_

_Iam so sor ry_

The letters were shaky and I couldn’t quite see the paper, but there was no backing down now. _`_

_Dear Patton,_

I paused. _It would crush him to know that I would be gone, forever. Would he even understand what the letter meant?_ I pushed it aside, I’ll write it later. 

_My dear Roman and Remus,_

_I know how hard it is, and I assure you-_

_What could I assure them?_ I tore them apart when they were kids, they didn’t deserve that…

Dear Virgil, 

Small droplets fell on the stationary. Virgil’s childhood flashed before my eyes. 

Teaching him to read as he sat on my lap, sounding out the words together. 

When Remus would instigate fights between the two of them by being… Remus…

I remember comforting him as he cried and shook in my arms, the feeling of impending doom overwhelming his mind. 

He grew distant from the dark sides, he turned his back to me, not caring what anguish he left in his wake. 

He became a part of Thomas, one that was accepted. I envied him. We all did. 

“I’ll be good,” I told myself as I wrote the last letter, a million thoughts echoing through my head. I sealed the envelope with a yellow wax seal before snapping them to their respective locations.

I stood up, hunched over the desk in misery. _Finish what you started._

As I created a portal for the last time, I shuddered at the thought of leaving, but there was no going back now. The walk to the edge was the longest, most dreadful walk I had ever experienced. I stepped up to the edge of The Forge Pit. The letters had been delivered, but by the time they were read, they would be too late. 

As the ground began to crumble beneath me, I took a deep breath, steeling myself for something that _had_ to be done. 

Without warning, Virgil came sprinting through a portal of his own, clearly distraught. “JANUS!” his voice sounded raw.

I looked up, turning to the sound of his voice. As I did, I saw him running towards me. 

“S-stay back!” I stuttered. As I took a step back, the ground cracked beneath me. The last thing I saw was Virgil’s tear stricken face reaching out to me as I plummeted into the dark abyss. 


End file.
